Kitchen Talk
The Grim Reaper
No. 16 in a never-ending series. Autumn 1996
Regular readers of my esteemed column will have noticed that I have recently been absent from the pages of your favourite journal.
I have spent my sabbatical conducting vital medical research to discover the true cause of asthma. I had always assumed that cars and asthma was more or less proven. Twice the number of cars over the past ten years and twice the cases of childhood asthma. People living near main roads are more likely to suffer respiratory disease, and so on. We've been there many times before.
But new exciting research shows that I may have been leading you up the "garden path". A recent study of women who cook on gas has found that they are twice as likely to suffer from asthma and breathing difficulties as women who "cook electric". Women who suffered from asthma and switched from gas to electric were likely to reduce their symptoms by half. Women who cooked on gas, and had gas fires and gas central heating had the worst symptoms of all.
In the name of science I volunteered to participate in the control sample. Over the past six months I have abstained from cooking and left it all to my "better half". I can confirm that I have not developed asthma and also that I've had some damned good meals.
So what does all this culinary research prove and what relevance does it have to my cycling friends? Well, the researchers concluded that the asthma was being triggered by the very low doses of nitrogen dioxide (NO2) produced by gas cookers. If it is accepted that a little NO2 from gas cookers can give you asthma, I should have thought that no further discussion of the link between car exhaust (which is choc full of NO2) and asthma is needed.
Responsible drivers everywhere will instantly do the right thing and trade their cars in for bicycles.
Or will they?
Unfortunately the overwhelming majority of cars are driven by men whilst the overwhelming majority of meals are cooked by women It remains to be seen whether men will respond appropriately to this research that should concern us all but is likely to be dismissed as yet another woman's problem.
This begs the question, will drivers ever do anything voluntarily to restrict their own freedom to drive everywhere, and cause injury, death, asthma and general mayhem?
Let's test the theory. Imagine if the world's eminent scientists were all to say in unison that the ozone hole is larger than ever, the North Pole ice cap is melting and will be gone altogether next century, and that last year was the Earth's hottest ever. All these things have been shouted from the highest mountaintops over the last three months. Have you noticed a decrease in traffic? I rest my case.
The end of the world is nigh, but not very many people are doing much about it. Personally, I'm looking forward to it.
The Grim Reaper
