Tables and Chairs
The Grim Reaper
No. 24 in a never-ending series. Spring 1999
May I extend greetings to all my motorised cycling friends who have already made the pilgrimage to that purveyor of Swedish chic. Are you sitting comfortably on your swivel chair? Then I will begin.
The Grim Reaper would like to be amongst the first to welcome a new superstore to our city. They are to be congratulated on the imagination they have shown in transforming a once tatty inner-city area into such an attraction that people drive hundreds of miles to savour its delights. Of course none of this could have happened if Bristol council had not had the foresight to grant planning permission thus guaranteeing that we would not lose the table and chair trade to another city on a motorway interchange elsewhere. And may I express my gratitude to the developers for the generous gift bestowed on our city, of improvements to the Muller Road motorway junction so we may all experience reduced delays on our journey to Tesco's, Burger King, and now, Sven's Cash 'n' Save Flat Pack Furniture Warehouse.
The Grim Reaper has gained exclusive access to Mr Sven Johanssen and I asked him how he managed to keep prices so low. We source our timber from the global market,
said Sven, so we can ensure the lowest prices for the consumer. At present, the forests of Siberia are being clear cut by their Japanese owners and even when it's shipped around the world it represents excellent value for money. We are, of course, environmentally very sensitive and are careful to ensure that our timber is logged from areas where the Siberian tiger is already extinct. Our furniture is built to exacting standards in Poland where labour costs are at a minimum and it's then driven across Europe in 44 tonne juggernauts which are able to take advantage of low taxes on diesel fuel allowing us to pass all these savings on to the customer. All our stores are on brown or green field sites by motorways, as this is much cheaper than locating in city centres and gives easy access by motorists.
Of course profit and value for money aren't Sven's only concerns. The environment is high on our agenda,
he says. To prevent customers from obstructing residential streets we provide a free car park for 900 cars and a couple of dozen bike racks as well as an occasional bus to the city centre. We also have a collecting tin for the World Wildlife Fund on each checkout desk. We are so concerned that Sven's Cash 'n' Save Flat Pack Furniture Warehouse should bring benefits to the local environment that we have even paid for traffic lights and air quality monitoring stations around Muller Road.
The Grim Reaper notes that prior to the Warehouse opening, pollution readings at Muller Road showed the annual mean of NO2 to be 50% and benzene to be 40% greater than government standards. The World Health Organisation says there is no such thing as a safe level of benzene as it is a significant cause of leukaemia. Sven's Warrington branch generates 2.2 million journeys each year. Bristol and its hinterland is both richer and has a higher level of car ownership than Warrington.
It is reassuring to know that even in this world of greedy businesses which trample over local communities in the quest for profit, there are still entrepreneurs with the environmental sensitivity of Sven.
Go easy on the meatballs.
The Grim Reaper
